Toxic friendships are sadly common but you need to recognize when it is time to let go.
One of the beauties of being human is the connection we form with strangers. When you meet someone, you are putting your best foot forward, and if you are like me, you are probably wearing your heart on your sleeve; showing both vulnerability and strength. In the end, you might make a meaningful friend, or you may find yourself in a toxic friendship.
As an empathetic person, I recognize that it is very easy to befriend the wrong kind of person (emotional vampires and *ding-ding-ding*, narcissists). If there’s one thing empaths are famous for, it’s attracting virulent people like a moth to a damn flame, but more on this in a later post!
As wonderful as it is to make new friends and create new, lasting, memories, there may come a time when you may outgrow someone, or even come to the realization they are a pernicious person. You have to recognize the signs and learn to let go of the toxic friendship, as painful as you may think it will be.
(1 / 5) You’re walking on eggshells.
Things used to be fun – you laughed together, cried together, and made wonderful memories together. The connection was real and authentic. Then, suddenly, things changed and your friend has done a complete 180. Now, your friend constantly gets upset with you, and the reasons are just absurd and illogical! You figure, it’s better to just be careful, but then you start being overly cautious, and you watch everything you do or say because anything can send them into a rage at any point.
(2 / 5) There’s an imbalance in efforts – you spend all your time helping them with their problems, but they flake out when you need them most.
You talk to your friend and like clockwork, all they want to talk about is how crappy their day was, how hard their life is, how frustrating their marriage is, or their “dark and twisted” past. Like a broken record, they tell you the same sob stories over and over, expecting you to give them all your attention, listen, and feed their ego — and you do because you love and care about your friend. But when you need to vent or talk, they run for the hills, or they are simply nowhere to be found. Regardless, you have put in your time and energy to help, but they only take advantage, which contributes to the toxic friendship.
(3 / 5) You find yourself pegged in a competition with the other “best friend.”
This is probably the most infuriating and illogical thing I’ve ever heard of and experienced. They tell you the other best friend gives him/her more. They say the other bestie is better than you, smarter than you, and funnier than you, hell – even prettier than you. You get offended, envious, and heartbroken, but for some stupid reason, you find yourself clawing to keep your (toxic) “friendship” intact. Next thing you know, your horrible best friend tells you that the other bestie is your replacement, and as you fight to stay relevant, you lose yourself, and your own dignity, over jealousy and competition that your vicious best friend created.
(4 / 5 ) Your best friend routinely puts you down and makes you feel as though it was your fault.
Your friend preaches about how much they value honesty but they are anything but nice about it. They are brutally honest, and they don’t care about your feelings at all, whatsoever. They call you names, push you around, and when you get upset, he/she says, “You know, you are too damn needy. It’s like you’re a stalker. Why are you so obsessed with me?”
Huh?! Chill out Mariah, you are singing way off key and you need to check yourself. These cruel words are actually just your friend’s own insecurities being projected onto you. Do not take them personally.
(Side note, sorry to Mariah Carey fans. I’ve personally never been a fan of her.)
(5 / 5) You’re riding an emotional roller coaster and your friend has the controls.
What started out as a genuinely beautiful connection is now unstable and unpredictable. You are always worried about being misinterpreted, or that your friend is going to react negatively. Overall you are scared, uncomfortable, and knocked off balance. Sometimes things are great; he/she is full of appreciation for you, they shower you with compliments, tell you they miss you, but then suddenly you are on his/her bad side and now the future is uncertain all over again. The inconsistency and unpredictability drive you to doubt everything and your self-esteem takes a blow.
Growing closer to someone and letting them into your inner circle is always a gamble, but it’s a gamble worth taking, no matter the outcome. Friendships are a fluid thing and occasionally they can be messy. Sometimes we give someone our heart and the friendship flourishes; other times they wither away. Yes, it’s sad, but the sadness is what makes life all the more beautiful. Knowing that you cared enough about someone to let them in says more about your strength and courage than anything else. So pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and smile because you are going to be perfectly OK.
Recognizing the signs of a toxic friendship and letting go is the hard part. It’s difficult to break the toxic cycle, but enough is enough. When you see your chance, take it, seize it, and run with it. I can promise you, it will lead to a happier and healthier you.
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