The secret is out – We’re having a rainbow baby!

It feels so surreal still. We made it through the first trimester and want to share our news. Our little family of two is growing and both our pups are being promoted to big brother and big sister. Pat and I are so excited and a little bit terrified (adapting our lifestyle, travel, and getting used to a family of 3 instead of 2), but we are mostly just in awe of the fact that we made a tiny human. We found out we were having a rainbow baby just before Halloween and despite Covid still being a major factor in everyday life, we have been fortunate enough to be able to attend our baby appointments together.

The Announcement Shoot

For our pregnancy announcement, we wanted to do something out of the norm. We were hoping to capture who we both are with a nature sunset shoot. I wasn’t completely happy with the location and lighting, but we made it work. We were striving for a more rural setting, with less trees but this is Charlotte. For props, we purchased this ‘baby’ 3D script balloon and grabbed our ultrasound pic of our rainbow baby. The balloon was super easy to blow up and we made sure to bring a straw along in case we needed to re-inflate, which we did. I also taped our ultrasound photo to a sturdy piece of cardboard to prevent bending or curling.

In case you were wondering, we did self-shoot everything with a tripod and occasionally took turns shooting each other. Some of the lighting was pretty harsh but it was absolutely freezing and we were rushing to get this done before ‘frostbite’ set in. (That day, we had a freeze warning issued in Charlotte – which is a big deal here.) I don’t think it’s my best work but we are still happy with how they turned out post-editing. Lessons learned for next time, too.

Pregnancy After Miscarriage

Please understand, this is MY experience with grief and I know that everyone’s experiences with this subject are different and all valid. Pregnancy after miscarriage is hard. This last few months have been especially difficult for me. I live in constant fear that something is wrong, but it’s not an irrational fear. My fear stems from the fact that I have an actual experience of loss, and lifelong grief that comes with losing a child before it was ever born. It’s more than just fearing something is wrong, but having lived through it already and that being my only experience with pregnancy. A 0% success rate. When I experience joy with this pregnancy, a part of me grieves for my last pregnancy – how badly I wanted to experience this then, too. Sometimes I still feel angry. Maybe I could enjoy this more had I never had a miscarriage… Maybe then I wouldn’t feel so guilty or sad after experiencing even the smallest amounts of joy… And maybe I’d feel more connected to my baby if my body hadn’t failed me the last time…

Learning to Heal

I remind myself that just because I am pregnant again, doesn’t mean I am healed. And that’s okay. I try to give myself grace when I start feeling my emotions boiling over. Pregnancy after loss honestly just feels like holding my breath for months on end. Every doctor’s appointment starts with fear and a racing heart rate. Days of endless anxiety, waiting for the other shoe to drop (obviously hoping it doesn’t.) And sometimes I feel like I’m alone in this – that people don’t understand. I’m beyond grateful that Pat swoops in and reminds me that it’s all okay and that he’s there for me.

I am happy to be where I am – happy to be on this journey, truly. I take it day-by-day, one step at a time. Some days are harder than others, but I’m getting there. I started taking time out of my day to do pregnant mommy workouts with Every Mother to get my body ready for labor and to feel a deeper connection to my rainbow baby. I put stretch mark prevention lotion on my belly twice a day and go through some positive affirmations, too. The little things help – and hopefully this helps some of you going through something similar, or helps you better understand someone going through this.

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Our hearts go out to those struggling to have a baby, those who suffered the loss of a child/children, and those experiencing pregnancy after loss. I wish you healing, an over abundance of love, and that your prayers be answered soon. To all those living with anxiety despite finally being where you wanted to be for so long – your feelings are valid and you are absolutely not alone.

What’s To Come

Now that I’ve made it safely into the second trimester, I plan to do a first trimester round up with a little Q+A soon, so keep an eye out for that. Like I mentioned last week, I am working on some pretty big projects within my home this year, one of which is a baby nursery! More to come on that later. If you’re not already, consider giving me a follow on IG. I will be sharing all my makeover plans and journey on my stories, in real time. xo