People tend to feel powerless when they have no say in the outcomes of events going on around them.
When I was younger, I was rebellious. I never followed the crowd (and I still try not to,) but I never planned things out. I was always rolling with the punches, going with the flow, and living in the moment. In my youth, I was fun and exciting to be around. My spontaneity was my power.
I’m not sure what lead up to it, but one day I woke up and realized that I didn’t have any end goals; therefore, I wasn’t working towards anything. I became serious…about everything. My sister starting calling me a bore, my friends stopped inviting me to parties, and slowly but surely, I transformed into the oldest 24-year-old known to man.
I found my spark again when I started blogging.
I created something that was one hundred percent mine. With this space, I could do whatever I wanted because I had all the power – the possibilities were endless. But as time went on, and things started shifting around at work, and in my personal life, I started losing my grip on everything I had planned. Instead of focusing on a few goals at a time, I realized I had spread myself too thin.
I’ve mentioned the extended funk I’ve been in lately, in a few of my posts, so I wanted to tell you all what has been going on. I’ve always prided myself on that fact that this remains a positive outlet for me and my readers, but it’s perfectly natural to have bouts of self-doubt, negativity, and even sadness. I know there are others out there who may be feeling the same way. It’s important to talk about things like this. It helps clears your head, or lift that weight off your shoulders.
With this admission, I hope that some of you can find solace in that I am not perfect. No one is.
Blogging isn’t easy, not when you are taking it seriously and working diligently to turn it into something substantial; something important. With shorter days, it’s hard to get a lot done. Shooting after work is impossible unless it’s studio work, and it’s hard for me to get creative when I am writing in darkness. (I have more energy when the Sun is out.) Some would call this dejected feeling, Winter Depression, and I am its latest victim. I have started shutting down; I write less and shoot less but my blog is always on my mind. I’ve just started to feel so helpless. I considered “taking a break,” but that’s counterproductive and a total cop-out. I’m not willing to roll over so easily, and I don’t plan on giving up on this blog, ever.
The other day, I was listening to Bon Jovi’s “It’s My Life,” when I was suddenly struck with this urge to find my power. I marched downstairs, took a pair of scissors from my desk, and cut off four inches of my hair. It was impulsive but liberating. I can’t tell you why I did it, there wasn’t a definitive reason. I just remember sitting down, folding laundry, thinking about a million things when I realized that I hadn’t done anything exciting in a while. I needed to do something for me.
So to make a long story short…
I cut off my hair to give me back my edge. I saw a chance to take my power back and I did.